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Friday, October 08, 2010

Researchers draw closer to unraveling the difference between beans and tortillas, and tortillas and beans

AP Associated Pest

Above, scientist tries to decipher the 
beans and tortillas matrix
(Photo: Ben Dejo)

Researchers draw closer to unraveling the difference between beans and tortillas, and tortilla and beans
Results could stabilize White self-esteem, raise restaurant profitability, and lower healthcare costs

by Raymundo Eli Rojas
Published: October 8, 2010

In an event that shocked the culinary and scientific world, researchers at the National Academy of Science announced today that they are closer to deciphering the difference between beans and tortillas, and tortillas and beans.

Long a culinary staple of Mexican American and Mexican families, these entrées have perplexed the White scientific world. The reason for this perplexity is that many Chicano/Mexican families consider these entrées different and distinct entrées – a fact which has left most gringos in utter confusion.

Above, beans and tortillas
(Photo: Leg Uminosae)

“We think within five years,” says Frida Joles public relation director at the national Academy of Science, “we will be able to break the code matrix, and gringos will be able to be at peace on whether they are eating beans and tortillas, or tortillas and beans.”

The Culinary Lab at the National Academy of Science in Washington, D.C. has long been at the forefront of deciphering culinary mysteries for the gringo taste buds.

In 1986, the Culinary Lab invented the 90-degree burrito, which has since help millions of gringos eat burritos while holding the burrito at a 90-degree angle, as opposed to a more horizontal grip that Mexicans use.

Above, tortillas and beans
(Photo: Leg Uminosae)

 “I'm sure many of you laughed when Martin Short, Chevy Chase, and Steve Martin couldn't eat Mexican food in 'The Three Amigos' and all the food would fall out the other side of the burrito or taco,” says Dr. Al Greencao, at the Culinary Lab, “but this was a daily occurrence for gringos nationwide – and one we don't find very funny.”

The Culinary Lab's invention consisted of wrapping the tortilla at the one end, a procedure later taken up by Taco Bell and Chipolte restaurant chains. This allowed gringos to eat their burritos while holding them at 90-degree angles.

The invention of the 90-degree burrito, known as “the wrap,” was a windfall of restaurant chains across the country. “Fold one end,” says Greencao, “change the name to 'wrap,' add another $3 to the price, and viola, Mexican food any gringo can enjoy.”

“This has prevented starvation among the White population in the United States as well as the flourishing of Taco Bell and Chipotle,” says Al Greencao.

When asked about the concerns of Mexican American and Black malnutrition in the United States, Greencao responded, “As scientists, it is not our duty to help alleviate the latest dance craze by these people.”

But the confusion caused over beans and tortillas, and tortillas and beans, has perplexed the White scientific world so much, that it has begun chiseling away at its own beliefs in White superiority.

“We just can understand this,” says Greencao, “but we predict that within five years, we'll have the answer.”

Among the other things on which the Culinary Lab is working are how to make a burrito taste good, while at the same time keeping it simple. The bottom lines of the major food franchise operations are a constant goal, and the current Taco Bell/Chipotle concoction has proven a financial waste.

“Many gringos believe in the Burrito Overload Theory,” says T.A. Coh, director of Taco and Burrito Studies at the University of Houston. “If you visit Chipotle on any given day, you can witness this for yourself: beans, and black beans at that, rice, sour cream, salsa, guacamole, meat, onions. This is a diarrhea time bomb for most Mexicans, but it seems to have little effect, if any, on the gringo intestinal tract.”

Above, burrito overload (Photo: Ben Dejo)

Coh says the confusion lies in how Mexicans can make a taco or burrito taste so good using only a conservative amount of meat and onions. Though the culinary likings of its clientele is important, it is the cost-cutting measure Mexicans have mastered that interests gringo restaurateurs. In addition, scientists say it involves no Imodium AD.

“The beans and tortillas/tortillas a beans differential matrix is something we can break,” says Greencao, “ and we are much closer to breaking it.”

Thousands of Mexicans contributed to this report.

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