AP Associated Pest
UT El Paso (UTEP) Student Health Services Prepares for Chipotle Grand Opening
Cholera Epidemic Imminent
by Dolores Tómago
Posted: 03/13/2012 12:17:33 AM MDT
UTEP Student Health Services has gone into “Disaster Alert” as El Paso's first Chipotle is set to open this week across from UTEP's Don Haskin's Center.
Chipolte a national chain known for putting everything but the kitchen sink into a burrito will open on North Mesa Street this week, much to the annoyance of the local medical community.
Culinary expert, Ben B. Rito says Chipotle has not figured out how the Mexican secret to making burritos simple, so they put everything from sour cream, guacamole, rice, beans, salsa, meat, onions, all the ingredients to make the modern Mexican's stomach churn.”
“So far we don't know why Chipotle burritos have no effect on gringos,” says El Paso Medical Disaster Director, Endamundo Hoy. “But when Mexicans and Chicanos eat at Chipolte, they can expect several days on the toledo or a full-out Cholora epidemic.”
“We had to order quadruple are regular supply of Pepto-Bismol, Imodium, and Keopectate,” said UTEP's health services director Ben Preparado, “We think we are fully prepared for the impending disaster once students return to class next week.”
But rumors that the city may run out of diarrhea medicine has prompted Mayor John Cook to ask Proctor and Gamble, Janssen Pharmaceutica, Chattem, Inc., makers of diarrhea medicine, to double their production.
|UTEP sets up disaster center|
“We don't expect many students to be affected this week,” said UTEP president Diana Natalicio, “but once they return to school after Spring Break next week, we may call upon the Red Cross to set up a disaster site in the UTEP Student Union.”
UTEP professor Dr. Wes Studi Shicanos, an expert on Chicano and indigenous eating habits said the opening of Chipotle will have severe repercussion for Westside El Paso. “To date, Westside Chicanos have not seen this much mierda since the elections of City Rep. Cortney Niland and Beto O'Rourke.”